So, my pips, I finally find that one who makes me feel peaceful, secure and happy but I ‘m not feeling all the right feelings. You know that song ‘All the right friends in all the right places, all the right moves in all the right spaces ….’ by Kings of Leon, well; I don’t feel all the right everywhere. I started to wake up in the middle of the night clenching my teeth and losing air from my lungs. It felt like I’m choking. I thought that there was something there bothering me, something I should have done and I haven’t…but no! Everything was just perfect. My boyfriend adores me, I’m not worried about anything, I trust him completely and still there is that little bug I couldn’t figure out. I talked to my friends and they told me that this was my first relationship I didn’t have to change anything. I didn’t have to fix the guy, chase him around, and argue about his fishy friends and all that bla bla that I’m sure you all know too well. So, now I sit and think ‘ Am I compromising? Am I able to be in a relationship where I don’t have to work for to improve it or feel that stress every day, am I being in this one only because I feel secure or am I losing it because I feel secure ??
What does a SERIOUS relationship mean? Is it merging two lives into one? How to do that and not lose yourself. That’s where the compromise comes in. I’m not talking about things like changing your lives completely but those small things where you must shut up in order to keep good vibes. Again, does this mean you have to accept the things you don’t like, things that are not good for you? No! Never. Those are stuff like socks on the floor (put it in the machine for God’s sake), where to go for a weekend, which movie to pick etc. So flexibility is very much needed when it comes to this. If not, well there is a chance it will fall apart.
Some will ask what about big stuff? How can I be flexible if he / she doesn’t like my friends and doesn’t want me to spend time with them? This is the example where compromise is out of the question. As there are many of them like that, not all compromises should be taken lightly. There are some things that shouldn’t be in question at all, like your health and well being but I will give you several things that should never be compromised no matter the love you have for your partner. I know that feeling when you think that you should give up some huge part of your life in order to keep your partner with you but you must know that feeling is not right for anybody. You must convince yourself that if someone loves you sincerely he will give you the world, NOT take it from you. If you must, write it on your wall, just never forget it.
YOUR FUTURE PLANS
Most of us have some kind of vision of our lives whether it is a career or something else, you must always bare it in your mind. Let’s say you spent 6 years on a college, your parents sacrificed to pay your way through it and finally you get a golden opportunity, a job of your dreams in some distant city away from your partner. Should you take it? Absolutely… You have absolute right to chase you dreams and not anyone in this world should keep you away from it. There is a proven fact that giving up your dreams for someone else will come back and hit you like a boomerang and you will resent that person for the rest of your life.
YOUR SELF WORTH
Don’t let anyone change the good in you. If you have never been a smoker, don’t start to smoke only because your partner does it. If you don’t agree with him being a smoker, you are allowed to give him an ultimatum. I’m not saying you should leave someone only because he smokes but if it is affecting your health you can make an agreement where he shouldn’t smoke around you. If he loves you, he will agree, if not…. well, do the math.
I’M A TRENDSETTER AND YOU DON’T LIKE IT!!
I can give you examples as many as you want where one partner wanted to live in a big city and other didn’t. There are also different outcomes and not one of them is good. Let’s say you want to live in the city because your job is there, you are a person of fashion, you eat, drink and breathe the city, not only live in it. Can you imagine someone making you leave all that. I’m sure you can, in that delusion of blinded love for the first several months or even years. But later, it starts to suffocate you. If you find yourself in similar situation, end it as fast as possible because anything else is just prolonging misery. Don’t waste your life or anyone else’s trying to postpone the inevitable.
YOU DON’T NEED ANYBODY ELSE, YOU HAVE ME!!
Be afraid. Be very afraid of this. This is not normal behavior and nothing good will ever come out from possessiveness. Your friends and family have always been there for you, don’t forget it, EVER!! If someone asks you to move away from them it’s a red flag for something bad that can appear in your relationship. A little dosage of jealousy and possessiveness may make you feel wanted and loved but mostly it’s not very healthy.
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
There is something you should always keep in mind. You deserve to be treated with respect. You need someone who will always be by your side, good or bad and he shouldn’t make you feel less worthy. In case he does, it is only because he wants to control you and there is nothing good about it. I call it Hitler regime. It is very important to have healthy communication otherwise it can seriously damage your self-esteem.
YOU SHOULD WANT WHAT I WANT
We must accept the fact that we are not all the same and we should thank God for it. Nevertheless we should never do anything we don’t want to. If you feel uncomfortable about anything in the relationship, don’t let anything or anyone convince you “it’s ok”. You need to say what bothers you and what makes you uncomfortable and in this case honesty IS the best policy.
COMMUNICATE, SAY IT
He didn’t see the message, he can’t hear the phone. We’ve all been there. Communication is the key of any healthy relationship. If doesn’t want to call you and prefers only texts, something is fishy there. Say that is bothering you.
PAY OR NOT TO PAY
Today it is extremely important to be financially stable especially if you are buying a flat or want a bank loan. So if your partner is constantly spending money not contributing at all you must stop it, love or not. It is not good to have mutual accounts until you are in a really serious relationship or getting married. Your finances are your future.
Author: T. Mirela